My first day at Clown College

I have been recruited to make a fool of myself on stage to an audience of hundreds for charity.

As part of the Southport Comedy festival I will be trying to make strangers laugh for Claire House.

Claire House is a charity that provides care and support for babies, children and young people with life-limiting conditions and their families across the North West.

So I am now officially a student of the art of hilarity after I attended my first workshop on a stand up comedy crash course with Southport's home-grown comedic talent, Brendan Riley.

It was a gentle friendly session to begin with but the group is to be seen as a gym for the comedic mind - and I am in desperate need of a workout.

I have no comedy experience, that is unless you count the time I was waiting for a bus and I had, how to put this delicately? I had a builder's bum and was leaning up against the glass bus shelter - that made many strangers laugh.

Or the time I woke up in the middle of the night screaming to my husband that I couldn't see. I had gone blind, terror in my voice! It was only when my husband jumped out of bed in panic and put the light on that a miracle happened and my sight was restored. That always makes people laugh, or smile politely and move away.

But stand up needs so much more than a funny story, the delivery is everything and I need to make sure that I am comfortable enough on stage to deliver even half decent material with conviction to prise even a giggle out of a crowd.

That is the scariest part and I am hoping that the workshops will help me to do this. Otherwise I might as well go back to the bus stop.

• The Claire House Comedy Workshop Showcase takes place on Sunday, October 27 at the Ramada Hotel in Southport. Doors open at 6:30pm with the show starting at 7:30pm. Tickets cost £15. To book email me; rebecca.koncienzcy@trinitymirror.com

For more information on the comedy festival click here.

For more information on Claire House click here.

I'm not mad, I'm with a child

Sometimes I get frustrated by having to put down my cup of tea because a small hand is coming towards me with a huge bogie on it and the owner is demanding removal. And sometimes I get bored of going over stuff I already know, like 'A' is for apple and "yes six does come after five", yawn.

But, there are bonuses to having kids.

So many seem fixated on how we should be bringing up our children, what we should be feeding them and how we should be teaching them, without thinking about what is really in it for them.
Yes, your life will change, but for the better. No, not because creating a new life is so rewarding or because of the profound bond and love you feel when you look into your child's eyes. No, it will change for the better because now you can do all the things you have always wanted to do, without looking mad.

I can now freely dance at buskers in the street, that's right, dance at them. It's not weird, it's not embarrassing, I'm not mad; I am dancing with my child. Go on; just think about that situation without a child. The more positive amongst you are thinking 'Oh look, what a free spirit', but deep down you are really thinking what the rest of us would be if we saw a woman dancing at a busker; 'crazy, she has completely lost it.'

It is not simply a case of reliving your childhood, no. It is much simpler then that (or deeper, depending on if you are talking to a psychiatrist because you took dancing in the street too far) we are not reliving anything; we are simply doing the things we have always wanted to continue doing but aren't allowed to because of 'social norms and values'.

With a child by your side it is suddenly becomes completely acceptable to say everything you are thinking out loud. No I am not talking to myself, or worse the shelves of bread, there is a child in my trolley, I am talking to it.

Or, if the moment takes me I can play with the Lego blocks, so what if my child is in nursery that morning, I am tidying it up, it's not weird, I'm not mad; I have a child. I may also wish to enjoy a few precious moments watching Peppa Pig, which is not weird, it is not embarrassing and I am not mad, because lets face it some of those episodes are just so funny, and did I mention? I have a child.

You may occasionally want to do some colouring, with a child it's all go, break out the crayons! And I haven't even started on all the soft play areas out there. Oh. My. God. Slides, ball ponds, huge foam building blocks, so much fun to be had, and you defiantly can not go to a soft play area without a child, that really is crazy.

So, if you have just become a parent or perhaps you are contemplating a baby, or you're just fed up with your screaming child; just think of all the wonderful things you could be doing - without looking mad.

Behold! The God of Mass Transit!

I have never liked to think of myself as easily corruptible, but I recently brought a weekly travel pass and I feel like a God.

I usually buy day travel passes and have to rummage around in my bag for the correct change like a filthy peasant -if you have had any experience at handing paper money to a bus driver you will know how it is imperative to a safe, happy journey to have the correct change.

But, no longer do I need to engage in empty pleasantries while I purchase a ticket; no longer do I need to wait in line while the student in front counts out his fare in pennies (rookie mistake - this it is as equally annoying to the driver as Charles Darwin or Elizabeth Fry rearing their ugly heads, it's legal tender, dammit!); no longer do I need to struggle to my seat with the bus in motion as my ticket floats towards the chewing gum riddled floor.

Now that I have a weekly travel pass I can waltz on to the bus without even a sideways glance at my chauffeur, just one quick flash of my pass and I'm in, no questions asked. I can go anywhere (as long as it in in zones A-E); at any time (as long as it is between the hours of 6 am and midnight); on any mode of travel (as long as it is owned by specified transport provider): I feel like a God. A God, I tell you!

I could easily get hooked on the power of the pass, the knowing glances from the train guards as I stride through an open gate instead of having to fiddle around with the ticket barriers, their eyes say 'This is a woman that travels, she knows what she's doing'. The envy of the sheep being herded through the tiny gates, you should have gone the post office, you plebs.

Realistically, I couldn't afford to do this every week, so when the clock strikes 12 on Monday I shall shrink back to being the Cinders of public transport. It is just way to expensive.

A recent survey by Santander 123 World found that we spend, on average, £782 a year on travelling to work by public transport and with incomes that aren't stretching as far as they once were and above inflation rate price rises in travel fares, this is a lot of money.

When I bought my new TV I joked how I was beginning the process of pointing my furniture at the most expensive thing I own, then a friend said how if she were to do that she would have to point it at her yearly bus pass, costing between £470 and £665 - more than my TV.

I could only imagine the power of near-unlimited bus travel power for a whole year. If I wanted the whole package -travelling by bus, train and ferry- it would cost over £1,000 for a year. For that I would be pointing all my furniture at the pass on an alter in the centre of the room and every morning crusading through the house to retrieve it, Indiana Jones-style, complete with a ball of unpaid bills from the doormat rumbling down the street after me. Epic prices call for epic daily usage, I would want my money's worth.

So, I am going to relish my week of extravagance, make lots of unnecessary bus rides, look down on those with pocket change and wave like the Queen from the window, for this week I am the God of Mass Transit.

This Week's Struggles

This week I am struggling to keep on top of work load as I am preparing for my week's work experience with The Southport Visiter.

What I do intend to do is any stories or ideas for articles that the editor doesn't like I will post up on my blog next week.

So, because I won't have time to fill you in on this week's news I will point you in the direction of my new favourite internet haunt, The Guardian's Data Blog. It. Is. Amazing.

 http://www.guardian.co.uk/data Enjoy!

Why? Why didn't I break his legs!?

Wrapping Christmas Up, Now

Summer is over and the kids are back at school, what better time than now to be thinking ahead to Christmas.

You will be looking to avoid this.

When you realise there is only 3-4 paydays left until Santa comes to town, it doesn’t feel as far away as it should. Having children to buy for can be expensive and very frantic if you leave it until last minute and you are trying to navigate a pram around the hordes of smug shoppers who are just out to buy wrapping paper when you have everyone’s from Aunty Gladys to the dog still to buy.

So here are my tips for getting ahead and more importantly, in these hard economic times, staying under budget.

Make a List

I’m not trying to patronise you, I know it seems simple but making a list helps everyone else decide what to get for your little ones too.

If you have a list of ideas for what your children may want then you can mark out what you think you can feasibly afford and then ask Granny and Granddad to get something else on the list. This way you rule out the doubling up of gifts; no one needs two boxes of messy moon dough that never comes off the carpet.

Check What You Already Have

Leading on from my last point, make sure you know exactly what your children already own. It seems simple but could save you money and avoid having 1000 felt tips all over the floor.  

This may also encourage you on to have a little clean out were you may find some hidden gems your children never played with that can be passed on to others as Christmas gifts. I have unashamedly done this once or twice, especially with young baby toys that they seem to grow out of so fast.

Buy Less

Don’t feel pressured to come home with a shops worth of toys. So what if the kid they sit next to in school got 68 presents worth £600, you are teaching your child to be grateful and respect their toys and gifts, this can only be done by you not giving in to every request.

It can be hard to not over spend on a child, particularly as they get older and want more expensive items. If they really, really, do want the latest games console or must have trainers then fine, it can be waiting under the tree for them but not both. If they really do want other things too, then the age old lesson of saving your pocket money is very useful.

Younger children will often get a lot of toys from other family members and, as I know from experience, can feel overwhelmed and confused by the shear amount of presents, so I suppose it would really matter if you took that particularly noisy plastic mobile out of the trolley or didn’t buy the 19^th gift for 9 month old Lucy, even if you can’t wait to see her little face when she looks at the doll with evil eyes, if you turn around during breakfast she is probably making that evil-eye face at you anyway, for your lack of multitasking skills to make her breakfast and dry your hair for work at the same time.

Charity and Second Hand Shops

I know what you are thinking and you’re right, some charity shops do have a grubby little box of broken toys for 5p, but some have really stepped up their game and have realised that their toys sell well.

Oxfam is a great example of a charity shop that is good at filtering out the real sellable items from the junk, OK, so maybe they are not in their original packaging but, is 2 year old Jamie really going to notice that if it is wrapped up with a beautiful bow?

Books are another great find, I picked up a ‘That’s Not My ... Tractor’ for 20p at a charity shop, it was almost new and I saved myself £4.

However, you need to dig about and visit once a week, but if you are starting early that shouldn’t be too much of a worry. Also charity and second hand shops are very accommodating and you can ask if they can give you a ring if a wooden train set comes in, or if they get a baby walker in good condition.

I feel that there are two major plus sides to getting some of your Christmas shopping done in a charity shop, not only are you saving yourself money, you are also giving to charity; it’s kind of the gift that gives twice.

Buy Online

We all know that buying online can reduce the cost but it also offers a better range of choice, so those illusive skylander figures are there in abundance and, if you go to an online auction site, probably cheaper.

As with buying from charity shops, you can get various qualities of toys but if you start early and shop around there should be no problem in finding what you want. Also if you do this all now you miss the extra charges needed for a faster delivery or the worrying of whether Barbie will be there on time.

The Growing Importance Of The Breakfast club.

There has been as many as 20,000 breakfast clubs nationwide, your children or some that you know may take part in a school breakfast club because of work commitments and the need to drop your children off a little earlier than the average 9am.

But according to head teachers across the country the growing need for the breakfast club is becoming largely to provide a breakfast for children who come to school hungry. Head teacher Louise Nicholls of Kingsmead Primary school in Hackney, London, told The Observer that only about a third of the pupils that come to her school’s breakfast club are there because of their parents working hours. The rest were there because they either got themselves up and out to school or that, because of cuts to benefits, their parents simply couldn’t afford food.

The Guardian Teacher Network found that 83% of teachers who replied to their survey said that they had seen evidence of hungry children arriving at school in the morning, which has an effect on their learning.  41% thought that the increase in hunger was due to benefit cut causing families to cut back on food and 58% blamed poor family health and social skills.

These results come at a worrying time as many schools prepare to close breakfast clubs because stretched budgets can no longer permit them to continue.  According to requests made by Labour MP Sharon Hodgson under the freedom of information law local authorities are seeing the number of breakfast clubs decreasing, while MagicBreakfast, a charity that support around 200 breakfast clubs throughout the UK, has stated that they have had an increase in the number of inquiries from schools for help with funding to keep their breakfast clubs open.

A 2008 study by the School Food Trust tells of how hungry children have difficulties learning and often have erratic behaviour, but with the introduction of a breakfast club punctuality and performance increased, initially proving the benefits of school breakfast clubs, while needing a larger scale report.

At present Wirral schools charge for using the service of breakfast clubs and although this may help to keep them running during a gloomy economic outlook, it does also mean that poorer families will be deterred from sending their children to a breakfast club, despite studies showing that the poorer children in the community are the ones who benefit most from breakfast clubs. 

Wirral Borough Council are unlikely to follow in the footsteps of Wales (despite the 2002 Every Child Matters report), who have made breakfast clubs a priority, resulting in 75% of primary schools offering free breakfast clubs that have improved attendance and concentration. Last week the council announced another round of cuts costing £100m in order to help ease their increasing overspends. So for the foreseeable future the empty breakfast bowls of the needy children will have to be washed at home.

This Week's Struggles

Big News

The big new this week was the exposure of how the South Yorkshire police actively sought to cover up their own failures and deliberately smear victims and the Liverpool fans at Hillsborough on the 15th April 1989, found in the Hillsborough Independent Panel's report. You can find my briefing of the essential points made by the report here.

US News

It has been a tough week for the US. The anniversary of 9/11 came this week alongside a $4.3 billion programme to help 70, 000 survivors, fire fighters, police and local workers get monitoring and treatment of over 50 different types of cancer, for free.

Ambassador Chris Stevens 1960-2012

Also on the anniversary of the fall of the twin towers, came the death of the US ambassador in Benghazi, Libya. 

An armed mob attacked the unguarded outpost with rockets and killed Christopher Stevens and three embassy workers while they attempted to escape to a safer venue. President Obama paid tribute to the four officials saying that they 'embody the American ideal'.

With the election looming, a report by the Global Commission on Elections, Democracy and Security (headed by Kofi Annan) said that the lack of transparency in the US elections coupled with new identification laws (which suppress African American participation in the political process) and Super PACs (which mean financial donors can remain anonymous) means low public confidence in elected officials.

Given that the race for presidential office is close, voter turnout is important and Obama has been pushing for more people to register in some swing states. With Obama slightly ahead in the polls this seems like a smart move.


Science and Technology

People of the world, do not worry, the iPhone 5 is finally here and it is, essentially, exactly the same as the old one.

There are the various new features that may get nerdy types drooling; it's thinner, lighter, bigger screen and 4G availability, blah, blah, at the end of the day, it's a phone. 

A phone that is also boasting a new smaller port, in part to comply with the European Commission in order to make it easier and fairer for customers and to reduce waste. 

But the micro USB is not available in the US and add on top of that the fact that now everyone will have to by a new docking station and charger, then I am unconvinced they should be boasting about it to customers, probably better it being the shareholders.

But, Apple are clever, you will need to upgrade if you want to use some of you existing apps, as they become conditional on you owning the iPhone 5.

A Foxconn factory in China

Some of this important announcement, however, was overshadowed by an undercover journalist, Wang Yu, writing in the Shanghai Evening Post about the working conditions at Foxconn, the factory that will make 57 million iPhone 5s.

Wang told of the sheer work load expected by individual workers without a break (3,000 phones in a 10 hour shift), the poor resources, cockroaches in the accommodation and the poor pay for overtime. 


Fashion

New York Fashion Week is of course what people have been talking about the past seven days; from Marc Jacobs 'messing with your head' to 'working designer' Victoria Beckham's New York 'triumph' to senior publicist, Lynn Tesoro, being slapped at a Zac Posen show, which is now a $1m lawsuit.

But a debate has erupted, not about the size of a model's thigh, I covered that last week. The New York Times has begun a debate questioning whether the CFDA (Council of Fashion Designers of America) should lift the minimum age requirements for runway models to 18.

16 year old Kendall Jenner

It was only last winter that the CFDA lifted the age limit to 16, but there are growing concerns about the long hours, mature look of the clothing and the fact that young fashion models do not have the same unionisation and protection other young starlets enjoy.

There is also concern for the overall self-esteem of the young girls and their fans and the argument for allowing them to 'develop fully' before strutting the catwalk.

Unfortunately, the quest for perpetual beauty knows no bounds, people are obsessed with the image, not the person. So what if she is 16, 18 or 27 and hasn't eaten solid food for two weeks, she looks fabulous darling!



Sport

What a summer it has been for British sport. Success continued with the first British men's Grand Slam in 76 years thanks to the sporting talent that is Andy Murray.

Murray won his first Grand Slam title after beating Novak Djokovic 7-6, 7-5, 2-6, 3-6, 6-2, at the US Open in New York on Monday.

25 year old Murray has worked so hard for this day in his career after failing to win his four previous Grand Slam final matches. I, personally, reject the idea that Murray's previous misfortune had anything to do with the fact that he has been playing the circuit in the same period as the two greatest tennis players of all time (Federer and Nadal), as Paul Newman says in his Independent article. Is being the best not what competitive sport is all about?

When asked about his previous failures the world number 3 said: "A lot of people would come up to me and say 'You'll get the next one, don't worry about it,' which almost made it worse. I'm just glad I can move on with my career now". Please excuse me if I am taking this out of context but, doesn't this show people as being supportive of his talent and having confidence in his ability to win a Grand Slam?

He also said, of being questioned about his ability to win a grand slam; "Since I was 21 I've been asked it my whole life, and it started to get to me earlier this year. Everywhere I went I got asked the same question."Again, please excuse me if I am taking this out of context but, he is still going to be asked the same questions, except this time it will be "Can you win another Grand Slam?", "Do you think you can win Wimbledon?" and " Can you retain your title?".

Nonetheless, this is a great close to the end of a summer filled with first class British sport and as Djokovic said, he really deserved it. To read my commentary on the Olympic gold match that gave Murray the confidence boost he needed to win the US Open, click here.


RIP

The Hillsborough 96 

John Alfred Anderson (62)
Colin Mark Ashcroft (19)
James Gary Aspinall (18)
Kester Roger Marcus Ball (16)
Gerard Bernard Patrick Baron (67)
Simon Bell (17)
Barry Sidney Bennett (26)
David John Benson (22)
David William Birtle (22)
Tony Bland (22)
Paul David Brady (21)
Andrew Mark Brookes (26)
Carl Brown (18)
David Steven Brown (25)
Henry Thomas Burke (47)
Peter Andrew Burkett (24)
Paul William Carlile (19)
Raymond Thomas Chapman (50)
Gary Christopher Church (19)
Joseph Clark (29)
Paul Clark (18)
Gary Collins (22)
Stephen Paul Copoc (20)
Tracey Elizabeth Cox (23)
James Philip Delaney (19)
Christopher Barry Devonside (18)
Christopher Edwards (29)
Vincent Michael Fitzsimmons (34)
Thomas Steven Fox (21)
Jon-Paul Gilhooley (10)
Barry Glover (27)
Ian Thomas Glover (20)
Derrick George Godwin (24)
Roy Harry Hamilton (34)
Philip Hammond (14)
Eric Hankin (33)
Gary Harrison (27)
Stephen Francis Harrison (31)
Peter Andrew Harrison (15)
David Hawley (39)
James Robert Hennessy (29)
Paul Anthony Hewitson (26)
Carl Darren Hewitt (17)
Nicholas Michael Hewitt (16)
Sarah Louise Hicks (19)
Victoria Jane Hicks (15)
Gordon Rodney Horn (20)
Arthur Horrocks (41)
Thomas Howard (39)
Thomas Anthony Howard (14)
Eric George Hughes (42)
Alan Johnston (29)
Christine Anne Jones (27)
Gary Philip Jones (18)
Richard Jones (25)
Nicholas Peter Joynes (27)
Anthony Peter Kelly (29)
Michael David Kelly (38)
Carl David Lewis (18)
David William Mather (19)
Brian Christopher Mathews (38)
Francis Joseph McAllister (27)
John McBrien (18)
Marion Hazel McCabe (21)
Joseph Daniel McCarthy (21)
Peter McDonnell (21)
Alan McGlone (28)
Keith McGrath (17)
Paul Brian Murray (14)
Lee Nicol (14)
Stephen Francis O’Neill (17)
Jonathon Owens (18)
William Roy Pemberton (23)
Carl William Rimmer (21)
David George Rimmer (38)
Graham John Roberts (24)
Steven Joseph Robinson (17)
Henry Charles Rogers (17)
Colin Andrew Hugh William Sefton (23)
Inger Shah (38)
Paula Ann Smith (26)
Adam Edward Spearritt (14)
Philip John Steele (15)
David Leonard Thomas (23)
Patrik John Thompson (35)
Peter Reuben Thompson (30)
Stuart Paul William Thompson (17)
Peter Francis Tootle (21)
Christopher James Traynor (26)
Martin Kevin Traynor (16)
Kevin Tyrrell (15)
Colin Wafer (19)
Ian David Whelan (19)
Martin Kenneth Wild (29)
Kevin Daniel Williams (15)
Graham John Wright (17)

"The truth is out today and justice starts tomorrow" - Trevor Hicks http://www.hfsg.net/


This Week Everyone is Watching;

The Audience (Thursdays, 9pm, Channel 4), apparently. Well my twitter feed was full of it and the consequential jokes too.



This Week Everyone is Reading;

In the paperback fiction chart, according to WHSmiths, everyone is reading something called 'Fifty Shades of Grey'? I have never heard of this, must be good, right?


Good News Everyone

Crazy cat ladies really do exist.

A parasite, known as toxoplasma gondii, has infected between 30-40% of people in their life time. The parasite, which can only complete its life cycle in cats, has been linked to miscarriage, birth defects, blindness, brain inflammations and even death.

But best news of all, there is some evidence that the parasite can cause psychotic disturbances and schizophrenia.

It is a little disturbing but also must come as a relief to all those crazy cat ladies to finally know why they went mad. Now, I put it to you, scientists, to find out what parasite is making crazy old dog ladies dress their dogs up in a tutus and take photos.